Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I have been really struggling with depression for about a month now. I should back up and say I have struggled with depression on and off for quite awhile, probably most severely after I had both of the girls (PPD), but only recently have I been able to put words to what I am struggling with. No, I have not gone to the doctor for it. This is for several reasons, which I won't get into here, but basically Curt and I have agreed that right now I don't need to and that if we ever feel that I need to, I will. I need his help in that decision as I don't always see clearly, myself (or see myself clearly... either way). This last bout, I believe has probably been brought on by the stress of Emma's seizures (she had another last week, but we think we may have a little more insight now into what is causing them, please keep praying), combined with the stress of starting homeschool. I loved doing homeschool last year. We had so much fun. So far this year, I have been flipping out about it. I feel a lot of pressure to do a good job, which is justified, but I go overboard and expect myself to be a "perfect" homeschooling mom. I am realizing how much of a perfectionist I am. I guess I have always known I was, but usually pushed it aside, because if I were really a perfectionist, then my house would be clean and my life would be organized. They aren't! I almost posted pictures, but I like the Internet to only see the good :). Instead I constantly beat myself up for not doing things good enough. I am always trying to find better ways to do things. Self-improvement is ok to a point, but not when it becomes obsessive. I have been slowly making my way through a book about maternal depression and yesterday, while sitting on the porch swing reading, several statements really struck me. One passage really hit hard... she talks about how there is no one small thing that will lick depression, but lots of small actions added up "create synergy" and help the depressed person to have a more optimistic outlook. "In a way, you could say, an optimist is willing to think small." I have been willing to think small in the past... I would think and observe all the little things that were/are wrong with me, my house, my husband, my kids, our church, the people around me... The list always grows. After reading that passage, I kind of felt like a switch had been flipped. I need to find the good. Isn't that why I have this blog (that I have been ignoring because I don't think anything is lovely)? So we are starting fresh today. I will probably have to start fresh lots of times. But today is good. It is sunny and in the 60s. My favorite weather. The back ache I went to bed with is gone. The children are being good (or at least I am not hyper-focused on the bad). I have a new refrigerator and dryer! I want to choose to see all those things instead of the little messes, and imperfections everywhere. I will keep trying. I am going to make a goal to post more often. At least 3 times a week. Hold me accountable ok? And now for the required picture, because pictures and taking them make me happy. I hope you all are clinging to what makes you happy too.